Dying to live

(For those of you that are keeping track, I'm not off the twelve practices, though I am messing with them as they mess with me. More on that to come . . .)

Some of my current cases for work--some that have been going on for a while--have gotten me thinking. And reading. And thinking. And praying. And reading some more. And talking to pastors. And discussing with my business law class. And on and on. These cases involve conflict--conflict caused by the clear evil of the other party.

I've decided that what Jesus personally modeled and taught regarding overcoming aggressive evil is as clear as it is disturbing. And no one likes to do it, for obvious reasons. Chief among them being we want to save our life and the cash that makes that life fun for us. We don't want to lose either of these. For people who want to 'follow' Jesus, this is a problem. An impasse, even. Not only because Jesus says it's an impasse--repeatedly--but because this 'love your enemies, do good to them, lend to them' advice, is the nutshell version of God's strategy to conquer evil in this world. I hope the significance of the last sentence is gripping to you. This is how God beats evil in the earth--with your blood and money and life and mine, as sheeps to the slaughter, just like Jesus. I don't intend on quoting all of the various texts that make this obvious. The bottom line: He let everyone wrongfully hate him and hurt him, he let go of all rights, and gave his enemies everything, confident in God. In doing this, he won the full on love of many former enemies, and the highest recognition from God. And now we follow the brilliant plan that he taught and modeled. If we're not willing to pick up our cross and follow him, we can't be his disciple--because this is the plan. I'm not oversimplifying it. This is what it means to follow Jesus--letting God's love be enough to let go of everything else. Jesus knew it, Peter, James and John knew it. Paul knew it. Job knew it, Jeremiah knew it, Abraham knew it. This is how good beats evil. I'm feeling a little like a rich, young religious person lately, finding it hard to enter the kingdom of God.

I'm not dead yet . . .

I'm not dead. I'm just not blogging much. There's a big difference.

Practice Four (& Five)--Part I

"Making a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves (paying particular attention to our fears, our wounds, our sources of comfort and vexation, and our failures to love.)"

"Admitting to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the contents of our inventory."

Prepare to start getting somewhere. That's what I feel as I start thinking and writing for step/practice four---the inventory of . . . me. Since I'm putting some of the inventory on this blog, and giving the rest to others, I'm also into practice five. Before anyone gets up in arms about only posting "some" of my inventory here, let me just say that I've debated with myself a lot about how much to put on the blog. For now, I've decided to at least apply the limitation that restricts making amends, namely, to refrain when going forward would injure others. Let me add here too that my "sponsor" in this process made a recommendation to include assets as well as liabilities in the inventory. I think I see the wisdom in that, but I'm not going to start with the assets, and I don't know when I'll get there.

As I look at it now, it's easier to start with my "sources"--the things that I use to manage/comfort myself--and to work backwards from them to the motives, and, then I think my failures to love will be obvious. So, some of my "solutions" to life:

1. Procrastination. This is a big way for me to avoid life in general or specific tasks that scare me somehow. Just put them off. Of course, the more I put them off, the more I want to avoid them. This is one of the things I use to comfort myself instead of the comfort provided by God. I've definitely given away a lot of time and money by running from good things to do. I also get angry by the suggestion that I do something that I'm avoiding, as if it's Kim's (my wife's) fault that X or Y is something I need to do.
   
2. Food. Yep. I definitely use food to avoid stuff or just make life about me for a spell.
   
3. TV, movies, the internet, books, etc. Distraction is great. I've heard that it's the primary tactic of Satan in America. Well, I guess I'm just another lemming.
   

I know there are more, but I just realized something: Part of my plan for staying numb to whatever I'm running from is diversification. If I became a heavy user of just one of the above, both the addiction and the fact that I have built my world around myself would be harder to hide (from myself and others). But if I diversify, I can appear to be "normal", maybe even godly with just occasional 'outbursts' of selfishness. It makes denial much easier. Wow. I'm not kidding, that plan was really down in there somewhere. So, for me I imagine that any socially acceptable distraction from life will do. Alcohol doesn't fit because of my personal history, and there are others that I have a genuine hatred for, but you get the picture of what I go to and why.

I'm still working on finding out (with God) what exactly makes me want to use the above things, and here's what I have so far, in no particular order:

1. Fear. Fear of screwing up someone's stuff. I work as a lawyer so the idea of making a mistake that effects someone else in a big way (much more than it effects me) is a daily concern. I remember on the first day of law school, I think the dean said to all us first-years, "Welcome--you'll never have a good night's sleep again." There's a sense in which that's true for me, just from feelings of responsibility.
   
2. Selfishness. Whether it's work, or God, or my daughter or my wife, the selfish part of me only wants to do things it considers "fun" or enjoyable (like sleep). Sometimes, maybe all the time, I'm just all about me feeling good, and if you get in the way of that, you're in the way.
3. Fear (again). Fear of God, in a bad way. In a way of avoiding the light that sees every part of me--parts I don't want to acknowledge. Fear of shame, of failure. Fear of reality because I don't seem to do well there. Fear of actual life, of participating in the real thing, because I don't trust myself with the consequences.

I imagine there are more, but the above seem to hit, as I look at them, the positive side (desire) and the negative side (fear) of selfishness. All the above have serving me in common.

Well, as I suspected when I started, my failures to love are fairly obvious. I'll get into particular people later, along with some of my wounds. God bless you in your journey of life.

Practice Three

Sorry for the delay, but the delay has been due largely to me working with practice 3: "Turning our wills and our lives over to the care and unfolding work of God through Jesus." It turns out, God had priorities for me in the last week or so other than blogging.

As usual, my version varies slightly from the original step 3. This time, the changes were really just twofold—I added "unfolding work" and specifically pointed to God's work and care through Jesus. In short, this step is a response to Jesus' good news--the gospel (see previous posts for a few details.) For now, let me just say that the announcement that "God's reign has come near" is an announcement of God's willingness to function as our king again--to protect, to lead, to care for us, and so much more. Step three, to me, is saying "yes" to that. Jesus' character, teachings and healings are all revelations of what God's leadership is like. And God is not a king that sends his people out to be slaughtered as he and his family stay safe inside a huge castle. No! If there is blood to be spilled, if there are feet to be washed, he goes first, and gives us hope that even death can't break his loving care for us, his willingness and power to provide us with life. Life to the fullest. This is God's reign. The fact that we can be in God's reign, be his subjects, his children, his instruments--this is the good news Jesus brings. It's the news he makes possible with his own blood. As the apostles make abundantly clear after his resurrection, he was and is the King with us all along.

Regarding the "unfolding" language, Jesus compares God's reign on the earth to a mustard seed, which, even though it is the smallest seed, it will eventually become the largest tree in the garden. It is also like yeast that eventually works its effects through an entire lump of dough. This world is the garden; this world is the lump of dough. Jesus—his character, his power over death, disease and demons, his love—is the seed, the yeast, doing it's work in the world, until everything is renewed, and at that time he will hand the kingdom over to the Father. This is what I'm surrendering to. This is who I'm giving myself to for complete overhaul. This is a moving, a growing kingdom doing good--the best--in this world. My surrender to God is surrender to a God with legs. Yes, I will have rest, rest like the world has not known for a long time. But I will trust him to care for me and lead me in my getting up and my lying down. Further, I will come to know a rest even in my work with him that is unlike anything of this world, because he will be working with me, or, through me.

Anyway, there's a lot there with the "theory" behind this practice, because this one happens to be a "yes" to Jesus himself and all of God's plans through him. The scriptures literally say that it is beyond what we can hope or imagine. For better or worse, I'm giving my life to Jesus, and we'll see what happens. With him I place my hope for all things.

Honestly, the way this has been playing out for me is that the thought of God's intentions has led me to worship. Not necessarily sing, but worship. The result has been less of me invested in my addictions. More often, though not always, when they call lately, their offer seems smaller, less glorious. I think the glory of God, which I've dared to look at lately, has changed my view. Also, I let God control more of my actions. I had more desire to do so for my own good and that of others. I've also had more desire to learn about what I'm giving myself to in this "Jesus life." I've been reading more of the bible to hear God's voice, get his thoughts and his "ways." I've also been more suspicious of influences that I've tolerated for some time. I haven't done much yet, but I'm feeling suspicion, and I'm thinking that's a good thing.

On a related note, my buddy Ahren and I have been talking about starting a group who will use the steps and traditions as a means of progressing in our life in Jesus. (This has been a long time comin'.) I can't go into all of it right now, but all feedback has been encouraging at this point. We have two different places that are eager to host and get some people involved. We're working on specific times. I'm really excited and thankful. May God's will be done. Amen!

Practice Two

Practice Two: "Coming to believe that Jesus is God's appointed Way for healing the entire universe."

First, the theory: Depending on how you look at it, this version is significantly different from the original. First off, since I'm doing this for the express purpose of fully entering what God is doing in the world through Jesus, acknowledging him by name seemed appropriate. Further, coming to a conclusion that God is doing something very, very big uniquely through Jesus seems necessary to becoming his disciple (as opposed to someone else's).

Another change was "healing" rather than "sanity." I dig the 'sanity/insanity' language, but I thought 'healing' deals with insanity, as well as all kinds of other things, things that Jesus and his followers have been involved in 'healing' for some time. I want to embrace the full spectrum of God's healing work. This is linked to the final change: instead of talking about God restoring just "us", I expanded it to "the entire universe." I guess my biggest reason for this is that it's true. God is literally healing/recreating the entire universe ("heaven and earth", in biblical language) through Jesus! What began with the resurrection is spreading like a healing virus. And it's not just for humans (though we are the pinnacle of God's creation), even the trees can't wait for God to complete what he began (it's in the Book, really). I'd be happy to go into this further, but there are several very large books already written--email me if you want some elaboration from various informed sources. Additionally, I think it is helpful for me to remember that God is not just healing me. I am very glad that I am part of that universe that he is healing, but he is, in fact, at work in the whole thing. God said of Jesus in the prophets, "Saving Israel is too small a thing for you; you will be a light to the nations." Indeed.

So, anyway, that's the theory. The practice, so far, has been me thinking about God, specifically Jesus, being in control of all kinds of things that I'm not, having power to do things that I can't. It's actually pretty exciting. Admitting my powerlessness has given way to recognizing the extent of his power. I'll report more on this later. So far, so good.

PRACTICE One, cont'd.

A few quick things to report with practice one. That's actually the first thing to report. Part of the goal of doing these things at all is to give some staying power to what God is doing in my life. The stuff I wrote below about not being God (or his boss) isn't something I want to leave my consciousness. I want to have it with me at all times, bearing fruit in its season; but, I find that it is no sooner in my soul than I can feel it being assaulted by birds of the air, and crowded out by other concerns of life. My spirit replies, "No!! It's mine!! God gave it to me!!! I need this revelation to become like Jesus and really live!!!"

I am now more convinced than ever that I should get in the habit of calling them 'practices' instead of 'steps.' A step, in my mind, is something I approach, stand on for a second, and move beyond. That's not what I'm doing here; nor is it what I think God wants. (Incidentally, it's not how AA uses the 'steps' either.) I want my life to contain each of these practices ongoingly, to be shaped by them. And I actually need practice admitting my God-given limitations--I can do it now sporadically, not routinely.

Doing Step One

Alright. I've been 'working' step one of my revised steps. As I go through these, I want to share a little of what was behind the changes, if any, that were made to the AA version, as well as how working the step played out for me in practice. Since this is the first post, I'll also deal with the preamble a little: "In order to give ourselves fully to God's dream for us and others, we adopt the following practices:" Essentially, to me, this is about entering what Jesus called "the kingdom of God" which I take as operating here and now, and will never end. Jesus once chastised the Jewish leaders, saying "You have the keys of the kingdom, but you don't go in yourselves, and you prevent others from entering as well." I want my life to be about doing the opposite--entering the reign of God myself, and helping others do the same, to the extent possible. That's what the steps are about to me in a nutshell. See also, Philippians chapter 3. I want to lay hold of that for which Christ has laid hold of me. Now to step one:

Step One: "Admitting that something is wrong—in us and/or in the world at large, and that we are powerless to fix it." Since I'm not addicted to alcohol (I never acquired the taste), I obviously needed to drop that reference in the original version. Rather than mention the things I am addicted to, which would take a while, I opted to be generic at step one. The inventory is coming, anyway. Also, coming to God isn't just about our own issues. There is hurt and evil around us, outside of us that can also send us looking for someone more powerful than ourselves. I felt that admitting that something is wrong in the world is also a valid starting place in our lives toward Christ. Finally, admitting that our own resources were insufficient to the task at hand seemed like a key component in the original step and in our search for God, generally speaking. So that was the theory; now for the practice:

This one surprised me. Honestly, I expected to admit where I was personally off, where the 'world' was wrong as I knew it, and then move on to step two in pretty short order. It kind of started off that way, which was good in and of itself. I recalled a 'big' time with God in which I really got a good look at what God expected from me in terms of doing right by Kim, my wife, and in all the other areas of my life--and I was fully aware of my inability to do it. At the same time, I felt God agreeing with me (maybe I was agreeing with him), and offering to do it through me, if I would let him, which was scary all by itself. It was a great thing to remember and re-experience. Those thoughts have been ruminating now for a while with good fruit.

Then, a few days ago, while a few friends and I were praying for a friend of ours who deals with seizures, I was hit with: "I am powerless over God." I know, no duh. But it's not 'no duh' for me. I can't explain to you the peace that just flooded me when that thought filled my mind. I think I carry some pretty heavy crap. I think that I've been feeling bad/guilty for not being able to get God to do stuff that I or others think he should do. You may laugh--I did (not during the prayer). It literally tickled me that the truth "I can't control God" was somehow news to my soul, and extremely relieving and joyous news at that. I haven't felt something that strong as a result of a truth in a long time. It was nice. Really nice. And it was obviously correct, which was also nice.

Humility, it is said, is the proper estimate of one's self. I don't think that I've achieved the 'proper estimate' yet, but I think coming to grips with the fact that I can't control God is a step in the right direction. Sorry if you wanted something deep. What can I say; I'm not God. Apparently, I'm not his boss either.